--------------
Preface
It’s been a while since I’ve written one of these, so I’ll probably suck at it. Hopefully it will either bring you some joy, or provide you with a new opportunity to flame me (hi Ducky!). I wasn’t planning to participate in this tournament in any manner, but certain circumstances led me to the writing of this review.
I’ve pretty much given up mything, now that I am a sober, working, grad-school attending peon in the world. I have long felt that sober people are inherently worthless to society as a whole, and now that I don’t drink very often I am wholly convinced of this fact.
I decided to do this review after an entirely spectacular weekend. Blonde and Seeker hung out at my house, and they both got absolutely shitfaced. I, however, remained worthless to society. In searching for a way to rectify my sobriety, I began to think about something other than drunkenness that leads to blurry vision, uncontrollable vomiting and a huge fucking headache. This, of course, led me to Myth.
After hanging out with Blonde and Seeker and getting to know them, I felt like now was as good of a time as any to mock them profusely and violate any trust we might have gained. Luckily, the very evening after they departed from my apartment, their teams played each other in this tournament. Nothing provides better mockability than a tournament performance. This, coupled with our shenanigans of the night before (all of the stories in this review are 100% true), led to a great opportunity that I’ve never been able to pass up: the opportunity to be a huge fucking asshole. Therefore, I submit to you, my feeble attempt at a match review!
Round 1: Real Life
Seeker and Blonde were supposed to arrive at my place between 4 and 5. Blonde arrived on time; After departing from NEW JERSEY, Seeker somehow ended up in New York instead of Maryland, and then ended up in Washington DC instead of at my place. Jesus fucking Christ Seeker. Seriously?
Blonde 2, Seeker 0
Upon arrival, Seeker was driving a pretty acura something or other, and blonde was driving a “nice” civic. The LOL V6 25 MPG engine in my American car was crying out loud because of their stupid Japanese ricerovers. Seeker gets the benefit of the doubt because his stupid Japanese car was slightly less shitty than Blonde’s shitty Japanese car.
Seeker’s stupid car
Blonde’s stupid car
Blonde 2, Seeker 1
We ate and headed out to the evening’s entertainment. At the first bar, Blonde tries to order a jaegerbomb and immediately gets shot down by the 6’4 african American bartender, who tells him “we don’t serve those fratboy drinks here”. Blonde is relegated to a beer. Seeker orders a Jameson on the rocks, and the entire bar nods in approval.
The bartender smiles with satisfaction after savagely beating down blonde.
Blonde 2, Seeker 2
We start taking pictures, and seeker informs me that he will not ALLOW his face to be shown on a myth forum, therefore I have to photoshop over all of the pix
Here we have the myth crew, including TB, Blonde, Seeker and TINOOOOOOOOOO the Elf.
Blonde 3, Seeker 2.
At the next bar, Blonde orders a jaegerbomb. The (hot) bartender happily gives him one and he downs it in a second. Seeker sticks with the jameson. TB’s the designated driver so he’s been drinking coke. Gooo Designated Driverhood
Blonde 4, Seeker 2, TB -5
The night progresses and we (by we I mean the people who aren’t lame like me) keep drinking. Blonde gets drunk and starts hitting on one of my friends. Seeker gets drunk and tells me a story. For 20 minutes he’s telling me this story, and I still have no idea what the fuck we were talking about. Seeker proceeds to tell the story to my friend, who asks me what the fuck he’s saying to her.
Blonde 5, Seeker 2, TB-5
It’s now about 1 in the morning and we’re at yet ANOTHER bar, still drinking. Blonde’s been making out with the girl for a while, and seeker’s still incomprehensible. I get told by a dude in a pirate shirt that my wife is hot and I’m a dork so he has no idea how I got her. I subsequently get told that no one will ever love me again, so I better not lose her. [EDITORS NOTE: It’s 8 years later and I’ve divorced and remarried so fuck that pirate guy]
The girl Blonde is making out with goes to the bathroom. Blonde runs over and asks me what her name is. Awesome. +100 points for being a dick.
Blonde 105, seeker 2, TB -20
Meh. We’re divorced now.
The pirate guy subsequently tries to hit on one of my other friends and tells me that he has no chance with her cuz she’s in love with me. I wonder if he remembers telling me that no one would ever love me except my wife about 5 minutes prior. Finally, I get some redemption.
Blonde 105, Seeker 2, TB -10
On the way home, Blonde’s ew lovemuffin has to go potty. She pees behind a bush while he stands guard. And he’s holding her purse. Good game Blonde; it’s been two fucking hours and you’re already pussywhipped. Minus 2 points for that.
Do you think we should ask liger how to accessorize?
Blonde 103, Seeker 2
On the drive home, one of our friends in the other car flashes us on the interstate. None of us notice because I’m driving and watching the road, Blonde is still making out with that chick in the backseat, and seeker’s 3/4 of the way to alcohol poisoning.
No points awarded.
We get home and hang out drinking some more. Blonde and his girl go out for a “smoke”. We don’t see them again until the next morning. Seeker gets even drunker and asks the girl from the other car to flash us again as we are all on the couch together. Awkward silence ensues.
Blonde 104, Seeker 2.
Seeker passes out.
I’m too lazy to photoshop this one. The world will see your face whether you like it or not.
And in the aftermath:
Enigman says that the chick blonde hooked up with is fat. I honestly don’t agree with that assessment. Then again, Enigman’s “ideal woman” is probably buried in his backyard somewhere, so fuck what he thinks!
Blonde’s girl is ok, I guess…but she wears too much makeup.
Blonde returns home to North Carolina. He immediately calls the girl (YOU HAD A FREE OUT MAN. A FREEEE OUT!). Loses all of the asshole points gained by forgetting her name. [EDITORS NOTE: Blonde ended up dating that chick for several years and moved to DC to live with her. Then they broke up and are now both living in Colorado, married to different people. What the fuck dude?]
Blonde 4, Seeker 2
Seeker introduces blonde to My new haircut. Blonde can never order another jaegerbomb again.
Blonde 4, Seeker 3
Blonde and Seeker congratulate eachother after the match. GG chaps!
Final Score:
Blonde 4, Seeker 3, TB –10
And the winner is!!!!
TINO THE ELF for smoking pot in the car during the entire stretch of I-95 between New York City and Washington, DC without getting caught. Absolutely astounding, there are cops like every 3 miles.
Drugs are bad, unless you’re cool enough to make them good.
ON TO THE REVIEW!
Game 1: Clash in the Cloudspine Flag Rally
I’d just like to take a moment and congratulate paris on his mappicking ability. I mean, tournaments are so awesome because you get to play some neat 3rd party maps that are sometimes hard to get in a random 2t game. This is such a unique and innovative pick…I’m totally glad you didn’t pick some STUPID ASS MAP THAT WE’VE BEEN PLAYING LIKE 10X A DAY FOR THE PAST NINE FUCKING YEARS.
In any event, pt chat reveals:
This is what happens when you do multiple jaegerbombs and stay up until 5.
LOL. The hangover is my fault
Ducky summarizes 10 years of mything in a concise assessment.
I agree, but it’s the same one everyone uses and it’s fairly effective. Boring as heck though; I expected creativity more from you, ser duckster!
Zak’s brilliant planGreat strategy zak! Once again you reveal to us why you are a 3 baller. As if talking about your own 3 ball skills in EVERY FUCKING TA YOU WRITE isn’t enough.
Ratbones gets the rusty vet treatment:
Cruiser gets 1%....which is 1% more than a MoL deserves
It’s ok. Even when I was active I never warranted more than 1%
Game On
Both teams do the age old “defend outers, rest mid” strategy. Cyc has trow for PJL and Genghis has trow for LCRG. Sam and Blonde have split zerks/morts for PJL, Alk and Neo have the same for LCRG.
Going mid in this game is often a giant crapshoot. One or two small things usually tip the balance, and the ultimate ending is determined by a those tips. In any case, ALK gets his mort killed early, then suffers 2 mort shots on his zerks. LCRG decides to abandon mid. As they’re running, Cyclops demonstrates the “reacharound” skills he learned while incarcerated.
Cyc practices for an extra role in HBO's oz.
Cyc’s a master
GJ Cyc, I bet all the guys loved you in jail. [NOTE: Now that we’ve discovered Newskin’s incarceration, maybe he can be the new reacharound master]
The rest of the game is a runaround clusterfuck. WWO wins prophet of the game award for instructing blonde to run up the ramp above LCRG defenses in PT (when he said this I originally intended to mock him for using a remedial strategy that everyone should be aware of and defend against by now). As the case may be:
Blonde pushes LCRG off of their flag
WWO gets prophetic props #2:
WWO does a good job anticipating opponent movement
The runaround lasts for a while, with PJL slowly wearing down the LCRG defenses. WWO finally rushes the last flag and seals the victory.
Player of the Game: WWO. I was tempted to give it to CYC for the reacharound effect, but wwo’s game sense was on full display and he ultimately was a great asset to the team.
Player of shame: ALK. Alk is usually a solid player, and I’m sure that this one was a fluke…but taking 3 direct mort hits in the first few minutes without dealing any damage forced them to abandon mid and contributed greatly to his team’s loss.
Game 2: Clash in the Cloudspine Flag Rally
Jesusfuckingchrist paris. Really?
This game is pretty much the same as the last one. Same strategies, same result. Cruiser gets more than 1% this time, and proclaims:
Cruisers skills have degenerated to this
That’s a skill we learned together playing for MoL
And Neo offers some constructive criticism:
Neo competes for the captain obvious award
They go mid, and engage eachother. LCRG does a little better this time, but alk dies (again) without doing any damage (again). He got unlucky with a mort dud (one of those little things that can seriously impact the game), but I’m not 100% sure it would have killed his opponent had it exploded.
Back to the runaround. The trows abandon eachother, and cyc runs through the backfield kicking like mad. Seeker makes 2 mild blunders: forgetting to put his brigs on guard and allowing ducky’s ghol to bait and tag…and not ring-of-firing a red trow when his lock had full mana. BAD SEEKER. BAD.
Anyway, the game ends just like the last one.
Game highlight: Sam blowing up all of his teammates zerks as they’re winning a mellee fight.
Sam ~ LOL RATIOZ
Sam ~ LOL MOR RATIOZ
Agreed.
Player of the game: Cyc. His trow rampage through the backfield won this game. 23 kills, 200+ damage, and 0 losses.
Player of shame: Alk. That’s 2 games in a row where zerks and a mort had very little impact.
Game 3: CTF Creep
This is a really, really, REALLY boring game to watch. The two teams spend most of the game assessing each other’s strategy and trading superficial rounds of arrows. Kil and WWO have a rush across north for PJL, and Genghis and neo have a large mixed unit set to meet them.
Genghis wisely slips a ghol into PJL backfield, so LCRG can keep tabs on the PJL strat for most of the game. WWO and Kil move their rush behind mid, allowing Genghis and neo to slip through the far north hole in the wall.
Down south, Judas and Cyc are pushing Alk back to the flag. He does a good job of stalling them while the offense does its job (I felt guilty about ragging on you for 2 games in a row, so here’s your token praise alk!!!).
Rodekill and Blonde are holding mid, seemingly oblivious to the massive force pushing along to their flag. Ducky yells at them a few times, and they begin to retreat, but it’s really too late at that point.
Garrick crosses mid and cleans up the PJL mid from behind as Neo and Genghis push towards the flag. Despite having tons of puss, PJL fails to kill the LCRG dwarf (though LCRG is winning the melee battle too so it’s a little bit inconsequential at this point).
Down south, Judas and cyc manage to contest just as their flag falls. Alk wisely retreats to save his remaining units (Second nice thing I said about you Alk!!!).
PJL assesses the situation:
Literally, figuratively…we’re all fucked in the end
….and reverts to point-preservation mode:
It doesn’t really matter – they only take 3 additional percent off of the LCRG percents.
Game ends, with LCRG winning and holding 55%
Player of the Game: Genghis pushed through north hard and sealed the win.
Player of Shame: Tough pick because this loss was a full team effort….I think I’ll go with wwo because the rush was incredibly ineffective, and spent a lot of time running around behind the action, ultimately letting the big north flank past and failing to kill much of anything.
Game 4: LMOTH Rank and Defiled
This game starts out with idle chatter from PJL about sam’s personal hygene – notably, his failure to do anything about it.
I decided that this was more interesting than the last couple of games had been, so I called Lorenzo. Those of you lame enough to have played this game since 2003 might know about Lorenzo. He’s one of those guys who just knows things. He knows EVERYTHING. I barely ever have to ask.
Here’s what he gave me:
Sam commuting to work on the only vehicle he owns
It’s ok sam. Times are tough everywhere.
Anyhoo – this game displays the drastic difference between capping styles. On one hand there’s seeker:
When you follow seeker, you ultimately end up walking alone
On the other hand, there’s wwo
The 60s were not good to wwo
(I still have no idea what the fuck he was talking about)
This game starts with a 5 minute obsession over the exploding mort shells. Here’s a sampling:
Hey…did anyone know that there might be mort shells on this map?!?!?!!!
After all of that, the two morts that LCRG picked up achieved the following:
Ghengis’ mort took 3 green warriors down to orange/red.
THANK GOD WE GOT THESE MORT SHELLS
The other mort killed about 3 bowmanerons.
Kilg starts the game with a warrior and puss combo (mini rush) north. LCRG doesn’t send anything north, so kilg wisely slides back behind mid.
Mid and south are stand-offish and exchange a few arrow volleys/puss shots. Light casualties on either side.
Kil has now snuck down south, and joins sam and blonde. With kil’s arrival, south is now overloaded and rushes. Genghis and Zak retreat but are ultimately overtaken by the rush.
LCRG, recognizing that they’re in trouble south, push hard middle. Luckily for PJL, they’ve got a good thrall defense and manage to deflect a number of key LCRG puss while resisting the mid-push. With south defeated, kil sam and blonde have slid back mid and assist in the battle occurring there.
At this point, the %s are still fairly close. This game essentially came down to pussing. PJL landed some very important, key shots, and wore down the LCRG defense.
Nice puss leads to about 5-6 dead arcs
Interestingly enough, after all the obsession over mortshells, the prudent and strategic utilization of puss is what won the game for PJL.
Ducky’s dwarf goes on a rampage and kills a number of his team’s units. Luckily, PJL keeps their %s right at 30 and don’t lose any points due to the friendly fire. Ducky spent some time in Alaska, which has super high suicidal rates, so we’ll forgive him.
Player of the game: Kil. Recognizing the dead end north and swinging down to crush south swung the game in PJL’s favor, and forced LCRG to push too hard mid. Ultimately this was a key factor in the win.
Player of shame: much like last games’ PJL loss, this one was a team effort on LCRG. No one played horribly, but no one made the plays to win. I’m going to award seeker with the player of shame, because the buck rests with the captain, and it was obvious that LCRG was less organized than they needed to be.
Game 5: DE Terries
Only an overwhelming win can save it for LCRG. By the way, another SPECTACULAR map pick paris. Really stellar shit
PJL hasn’t forgotten the lessons of last map:
Seeker trades for a whole lot of souls and pretty light melee. He likens his strategy to some kind of caterpillar phalanx. Since his team seems to know what the fuck he’s talking about, I’ll assume that this is some stupid myth-joke that I’ve missed in my 90% afk state.
In contrast, I liken this strategy to a pile of crap.
Anyway, seeker sends his entire team mid, and then they fan out.
WWO trades for a more balanced set – heavy on the melee and medium souls. He sends nearly the entire team in two south flanks – one deep south, and one just south of mid. He sends a small soul/melee/puss flank mid; looks mostly stallish to me.
Upon noticing the huge LCRG mid, PJLs south flanks quickly return mid and push them from behind. Very nice reaction to the opponents strategy.
The game very boringly ensues, with the teams exchanging puss and soul spears, and a few light melee skirmishes. The teams quickly fan out into tagging mode, and both teams slowly wear down the other’s percents.
The game ends in a tagfest, and PJL ultimately comes out on top. LCRG actually out BCed them, but their shitty strategy left the %s the same.
Player of the game: Gonna go with Ducky/Bone, because he played well this entire match but didn’t get this award yet.
Player of shame: Once again, LCRG’s loss lands squarely on the shoulders of ser capitan seeker (whom I love dearly)!
So what have we learned today?
1) LCRG has a good set of players, but they need more strategy and organization. Someone with a high care factor might want to take over for seeker.
2) PJL is a good team when they actually get their act together. I’m not sure if they could challenge the top teams in this tournament, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they pulled off an upset or two.
3) Blonde and seeker are funny as hell when they’re drunk.
4) Blonde beats seeker at picking up chicks
5) I don’t write very good reviews when I’m sober.
#Blade
@andylin!
